I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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