Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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