I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
