I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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