so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
there is glitter all over my balls
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
