so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
