he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
