made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
