he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
