Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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