my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
