why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i already hear my dad disowning me
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
