please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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