why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
