I need help removing her.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Randomize
