Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Randomize
