I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
