Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I smell stomach acid.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
