My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
