Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Randomize
