Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
