Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
dude. I can hear the air.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
