He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
