I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
