everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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