Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
