I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
