he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
