I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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