I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
