You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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