to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
