and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Enjoy the penises
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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