Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
