i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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