I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
