i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Randomize
