I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
