I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
