How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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