did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
