it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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