Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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