My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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