I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
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