His pubic hair was longer than his dick
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
