as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
