look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
