But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
