Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
