I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
If its not for food we ain't going out.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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